Bible Absurdities

 
From Genesis to Revelation, I consider the Bible to be the most absurd book ever written. Below are a few examples of the most absurd passages in the book call the infallible word of God.

The sun stands still in the sky

Joshua 10:12-13  Then spake Joshua to the Lord in the day when the Lord delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon.  And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies.  Is not this written in the book of Jasher?  So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day.

Here the sun and the moon have been commanded to stand still in the sky, giving Joshua’s army more daylight to get it's killing done.  This would be a great miracle to occur, if not for the fact that the sun does not move.  The sun may be zipping through the galaxy at roughly 600,000 miles per hour, but relative to the earth, the sun is a stationary object.  Of course, this great “miracle” supposedly occurred during a time when all the visible objects in the sky were thought to be revolving around the earth.  Today, we know this is not the case.  The author of this verse was unaware of this fact, and thought that this act of stopping the sun's motion in the sky would show God's great power.

God seriously needs to study up on his zoology

Leviticus 11:4-6  Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.  And the coney, because he cheweth the cud , but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.  And the hare, because he cheweth the cud , but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.

Coneys and hares, (both are a type of rabbit), do not chew the cud.  They also do not have hooves.

Leviticus 11:13-19  And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls ; they shall not be eaten, they are an abomination: the eagle, and the ossifrage, and the ospray,
And the vulture, and the kite after his kind;
Every raven after his kind;
And the owl, and the night hawk, and the cuckow, and the hawk after his kind,
And the little owl, and the cormorant, and the great owl,
And the swan, and the pelican, and the gier eagle,
And the stork, the heron after her kind, and the lapwing, and the bat.

Here God has included the bat as one of the birds you are not allowed to eat.  Bats aren't birds.  They are mammals, just like you and I.

Leviticus 11:20 All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.

There is not a bird on this planet that has ever had four feet.  Birds only have two.

Balaam's talking ass

Numbers 22:28-29   And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?  And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.

After Balaam smites his donkey 3 times, God gives the donkey the ability to speak.  The donkey rebukes Balaam, and Balaam responds as if talking donkeys are very common.

Jacob the geneticist

Genesis 30:37-39   And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.  And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.  And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

Did you know that having animals mate in front of striped sticks will cause them to have striped offspring?

1998 Derrick Miller


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